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| One cannot possibly attain everything that they want. I do not stray from this category, and nor do I wish to, as chasing after every single thing you want is enough to make one exhausted, and only wanting more as each goal is completed. However, as certain events have transpired, my outlook on my own personal self is a bit skewed as I do not quite understand myself and my actions thus far. As it is, I question my sanity quite a few times, and the reasoning of the things I do. Certain answers do make sense, yes, but I think of myself as a pretty realistic person, but because of certain things my views change quite dramatically.
Most of my past relationships were pretty normal from the outside. We, me and my lovers, seemed happy to all of our friends and we would be together quite often. Now, these are the relationships that actually lasted for quite some time, and made a lasting impact at least for a few months after the relationship ended. Despite the normal facade, the innerworkings of the relationship began to twist together and turn long before we had spent long hours with each other. The beginnings are all the same. At first, we show great attraction to each other, and not much can pull us away. Then comes the still everlasting bond between, but at this point we realize the strain on friends and such, and begin to spend a little less time together. After this point, a few weeks of this, I begin to get frustrated, and expect him with me more and more. Now we spend so much time together, people seem to think that something has gone terribly wrong if we are not together. To others, this seems like a great thing, that we love each other so very much that we can not bear to spend a moment without each other. This is not the case in my situation.
I am forced to reveal my greatest flaw. Comfort. It sounds like something that everyone loves, however, mine is a bit different. When I expect so much of my signifacant other, I expect him to be happy with everything that I do, and not want anything. All this time, he begins to show so much interest in me, and seems as though he can not bear to be without me. Of course, this is true for me too, but for a completely different reason. Comfort. He knows the things I like, he gets me food, he texts me, calls, goes with me places.
Is it selfish for me to continue on at this point? Stringing on my lover and settling into a couch that knows the exact anatomy of my back and how to keep me supported? Although it may be, it is something that I can not bring myself to do. Now, it is not to say that I harbor absolutely no feelings for him, because althought it may seem that way, I can tell you that I, infact did care for him quite a lot, just not in the same way as he had cared for me. At some points I told myself that I need to try harder to love him, that I just needed to push that one extra step to show him I cared, even if I did not. As the saying goes, say a lie 100 times and it becomes the truth. After trying that for a while, and it does not work out, the relationship gets so rocky that one more pebble could send it crashing down onto that unsuspecting village down below.
And then that pebble drops. It drops innocently, so innocently you would not have noticed it otherwise, until you realize that all of hell is crashing down right around you and you can not do anything to stop it. Even thought I was the one to finish the relationship in most cases, it was something that needed to be done. I was tired lying to myself and him, and there were too many problems that had been sweeped away to a dark corner where no one would notice until they piled up too high. Even though I was the one who ended everything, even though I was only in the relationship it seems out of obligation, even though I know this was the right thing to do... is it selfish to be upset? Is it selfish to feel the contentedness ripped so vigourously out of my chest that I was left gasping for air, and almost in desperation to call him back to me again? Is it selfish to suddenly realise that maybe those feelings could have been harvested, and I could have sown more seeds? Then I realize, it was much too late for that.
As of now, all thats left to do is move and, and try to learn from my mistakes. Perhaps taking a break from the whole love scene would be the best course of action. I have felt the outcomes of me never returning the love, and it does not only hurt him, he hurts me to be such a terrible person and do something like that to someone else. I personally think that it was selfish for me to be so set on comfort that I decided to ignore every other conflicting emotion, and although I know it's true, it's easier to tell myself to stop, than to proceed with the next step.
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| I can't say I'm particularly happy with the way things turned out.
Well, I can't say this is the way I hoped things would have turned out.
But... I just hope you're making the right decision.
And I hope that this really makes you happy. Not just for the time being either, but for the long run.
God only knows how much I care about your well-being, regardless of if its with me or not.
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| I really like it when I hear a song on the radio or tele
and then I'll be on my computer and on accident I stumble upon
thus, I know who the artist is!
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| I'll never tell you
how the happiest time in my life was that time you were in Europe
how January 22nd 2009 became a very special day
how that time when we were smoking hookah, the sound of rise of your breathing made me so content
how I lied and told you I didn't love you anymore, just so you would be happy.
how when you told me you and your girlfriend broke up, I was so happy but upset that you were sad.
how much I can't seem to get over you
how I'll wait for you even if I say otherwise
how I've never been able to love someone as much as I've loved you
how I've never really been able to love at all.
how perfect I think you are in every aspect
how I cry sometimes when I think of you and what we could have been
how talking to you makes me feel sad and happy at the same time
how I'd do it all over again if I could.
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